NOAH AND THE ARK - - 2008
In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain!&n bsp;Where is the Ark?'
'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've
violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until t hey'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The trades un ions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.'
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'
'No,' said the Lord. 'The government beat me to it!"
Apparently there is a bunch of April Birthdays over on EB.
I just wanted to wish all the April Birthdays a HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
It has been brought to my attention that Kwasi's birthday is also in April -- HAPPY BIRTHDAY Kwasi.
and everyone else
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!! AND MANY MORE
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'
You must now refer to us as... APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore ....
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a...
2. She is not a 'SCREAMER' or a 'MOANER' - She is...
3. She is not 'EASY' - She is...
4. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a...
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'
5. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a...
6. She is not an 'AIRHEAD' - She is...
7. Sh e does not get 'DRUNK' or 'TIPSY' - She gets...
8. She does not have 'BREAST IMPLANTS' - She is...
9. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes...
10. She is not a 'TRAMP' - She is...
11. She does not have 'MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS' - She is...
12 She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a...
'LOW COST PROVIDER.'
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a...
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is...
3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He...
'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in. ..
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION. '
5. He is not a 'CRADLE ROBBER' - He prefers...
'GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.'
6. He does not get 'FALLING-DOWN DRUNK' - He becomes...
7. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of...
8 He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has...
9. He is not afraid of 'COMMITMENT' - He is...
10. He is not 'HORNY' - He is
11. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's...
'REAR CLEAVAGE '
Please use your best judgment when referring to these people,
So as to make it more comfortable for the rest of us.
Origins of Species--Liberals vs Conservatives
> For those of you who missed History 101
> For those of you who slept through World History 101 here is a condensed version. Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
> The two most important events in all of history were:
> 1. The invention of beer, and
> 2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.
> These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
> 1. Liberals
> 2. Conservatives.
> Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
> Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
> Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
> Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.
> Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
> Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
> Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer > white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.
> Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, firemen, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
> Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
> Here ends today's lesson in world history.
> It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
> A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true
believers, and to more liberals...just to piss them off.
Spring is Here
I thought I would share a little poem that we say at my house every spring. I am not sure who the author is.
Spring is here, Spring is here,
The bird is on the wing,
My, My, how absurd,
I thought the wing
Was on the bird.
Now that spring is here we are predicted to get 3-8 inches of snow tonight.
I'm dreaming of a white Easter!
Last Friday was a beautiful day and evening for spring. I thought I would take my bike out and go for a ride. I rushed home from work, didn't take the dog out, I left her in her cage, I was only going to be gone for about an hour, and quickly changed. I went out to the garage and started the motorcycle. It fired right up and I'm ready to go. I let it warm up for a couple of minutes. I then thought, I wonder if I remember how to ride this thing. I get the bike out of the garage, hop on and ride. I remembered! I rode around the neighborhood a couple of times, just for practice. All is good. I get on the main road and go for a ride. I am having fun, The wind in my face, the feeling of the bike - great! I drive about 15 miles, about 8 miles from home, I am going to turn around and head home at the next traffic light. My bike dies. I can't get it started. It's too far to push the bike home, the thought went through my mind. I push the bike to the side of the road, wait a few minutes and try starting again, nothing. Another biker saw me there and pulled over. He helped me push the bike to a safe area with solid ground so I could put the kickstand down. I try starting again. Nothing. He offers to give me a ride to the nearest gas station. I accepted. I called the non emergency police and ask if they know a towing service for motorcycles. No problem. They contcat the towing service for me. Now I get to wait, I waited an hour and a half for them to show up. Now we ride back to the bike. Still will not start, so we get the bike on the flatbed and tie it down. It took over an hour for him to get it all tied down. Thats alright I wanted it done right, I didn't want to lose the bike. He then drives the bike and me home. 15 minutes to unlash the bike and get it off the flatbed. 10 minutes to fill out his forms. Finally he leaves. I get the bike in the garage and try starting it, nothing. I put the battery charger on it and leave. It is now 9:30 almost 4 hours late in taking the dog out and on her walk, I still haven't eaten dinner. The dog was great, she lasted in her cage and no accidents. I get home a little after 10. I make myself a quick dinner, sit on the couch, watch tv and veg out. Fell asleep on the couch. Saturday morning I get up go out to the bike, it starts right up. Now I am wondering, should I make sure the battery is fully charger and attempt to drive to the bike shop, or just call them and have them pick it up. Will I make it the 3 miles? I think it is the alternator that went.
Oh well so much for spring.
Lets have a good spring and everyone have a HAPPY EASTER!