Failed Relationships - my take on Sir Isaac's question
This blog continues some of the thoughts/provides some of my opinions to the question about why relationships don't work posed by Sir Isaac's blog below. Certainly, I agree with many of the comments, already made.
I have about 3 thoughts (and probably a more concise analyst might combine two, or all, into the same underlying reason - but, they are distinct in my mind). While my reasons are focused upon a marriage relationship - some of the topics, easily apply to any relationship:
Let's get the most volatile out of the way first: Children. (I recognize there should be a commitment by each partner - and one has to accept the inevitable sacrifices, but, the items I mention, I believe are too "overboard" to fall within a generally accepted norm). (Please pardon the way I begin, Ladies, - I'm afraid I can only speak with a male's view. I'm sure a similar critique of the change in male's attentiveness, can be made by females) For the male - loss of priority in the female's eyes. Female - transference of a majority of emotion (and dare I say, perceived love) to the child (otherwise known as mothering). Where it does go awry, is when the mother acts as though the children are the ONLY thing of value in her life. Where the father (when trying to contribute toward the raising of the child - is found to be lacking in everything attempted - never good enough). When discipline is needed - that only the mother's variety will do. There is no acceptance or desire for (although previously discussed about the joint raising of the child) a father's views, decisions, or contributions. End result, resentment, perceived lack of love, relationship discord. (And I know, there are far too many fathers unwilling to contribute, or perhaps, even acknowledge some responsibility - but those who are trying, can get soured pretty fast).
Perceived Change of Priorities (take children out of the picture, since they are not involved in many strained relationships). What once brought us together, now no longer is of interest to both parties. Now that things are "comfortable" (and the "courting" supposedly doesn't require energy) - people gradually become more honest about what they would prefer doing. No longer is it necessary to feign interest. And yes, now one can finally "get back" to the things they did before courtship (night with the boys, shopping with the girls, reading off on their own, watching their own TV shows, they do their own hobbies - separately, etc.). They get lazy. Guess what, the relationship goes on the rocks - nobody seems interested on "working on it". Even though, one party tries to offer this activity or that activity, the other "isn't interested". Complaints about never doing anything, being bored, etc. ensue. Yet, two and two can't be added. There is no light bulb going on. And pretty soon one partner tires of "pushing water up hill" - and just gives up on trying to make it work. Sounds like there is no interest in the "communication" that is critical to keeping relationships, together.
Control: Relationships, usually are about giving up control - or at least sharing it. Control has to be recognized as one of the principal concepts that needs to change, in order to have that relationship. If you don't want to relinquish some control - stay by yourself. And it has to happen on both sides of the relationship. Perhaps, it is "good marketing" during courtship to talk about "sharing", and all that - but, when things start getting more serious, if there was no real intent on being "open" - and allowing the other person some of your here-to-fore private descisions, it is soon going to hit the other person, square between the eyes. They may be "giving", but, they aren't getting any rights to their own destiny in return. The "share" was, perhaps, ficticious - never intended, and their partner still intends to exert all the control they previously did. In some relationships or cultures, that might work (maybe for somebody who just wants "taken care of"). In most relationships, it won't work. It can be typified by the often mentioned TV control, to being allowed to choose an item while shopping or pick a color of paint, to having every offer of help around the household chores being rejected (and then listening to the woe is me - I must do it all). Everything must be only done one way - no room for discussion (or the "demanding" partner refuses to complete the task). Most often communication is stiffled since the demanding person "doesn't want to hear it". Is it any wonder, that at some point - either a person's "will" is broken (and how dull that person can then become) - or they give up trying to please a thankless taskmaster. People start spending more time trying to avoid each other, than being together, isolationism, separate lives, secret lives, etc.; and there is usually not much capable of salvation at that point.
Don't get me wrong. Everyone has a right to their own destiny. But, when you've made a commitment to share that destiny with somebody else, both need to constantly work on it, with true open communication. Otherwise, any (crippled) "relationships", if they survive, will be sad representations of the beauty which could have been. Maybe this whole diatribe of words can be summed in: Relationships come apart because of (lack of) "Sharing", and "Communication".
Amplifying thoughts to Mr. Fisher's Blog
Regarding his joy and wonderment in a relationship he had many years ago, with a provider - and a recent joyous meeting.
Regardless of the "norm" or, "sound advice to both Ladies and Gents in these business relationships" or, the concept of only interested in you when you are "on the clock"; for many of us, strong friendships develop. Perhaps, it is the intimacy of the moments we've shared; perhaps it is the charm each of us see in each other - but, like normal adults - we can pretty much develop friends anywhere.
I think, many of us who blog are fortunate in this manner. It could be our openess, our usual friendly (dare I say humorous) nature - but, it is something. I am so extremely fortunate to have developed a number of these relationships. Each is, perhaps, on a totally different plane (some Ladies are retired, others I don't get to see as frequently as before, others are younger, and see different things in me - (oh, I hope not) - a father figure, somebody who is interested in their burning desire, somebody who helps explore boundaries, adds thoughts, etc. Yes, I believe I am a helper, and when you have learned to fully give of yourself (within bounds, I am not going to be a "puppy dog""heads and tails over love" any more, nor am I looking for a life mate), people respond like friends, when it is something they enjoy also.
Congratulations, Mr. Fisher, on this treasured relationship (and if I had to guess, would bet on there being many similar others for you).
A Different Kind of First
People who have known me over the last 2-3 years, realize how much I now focus on the positive. I have recognized that one has a choice, each morning, whether to grumble, be unhappy - and spread that discontentment around to all who are near them that day; or find something happy, beautiful, or positive to focus on. Even the smallest thing, even a memory. As one EB blogger mentioned recently, look at nature around you - there is so much beauty there.
Before I am "outed", from whence I know not - I'm going to fess up to the other bloggers. I had an appointment today, with one of my favorite Ladies. We had been planning this escapade (read "escape from reality") for over 2 years, but just couldn't get our schedules to sychronize at the right time.
The session was, as expected, a thing of beauty (at least in my mind!). The setting was certainly unique. There were a number of times we both were in ecstasy at the same time. I believe I showed her some things, she didn't expect - and in return I was rewarded with some lessons of her own. You see, she is a professional expert, in areas where I have not previously trod. The day could not have cooperated more - with the bright sunshine, meadows, dark glens, fresh air, heat and coolness, at respective appropriate times. The fragrance that surrounded us, was overwhelmingly sweet. Every time we would turn, there was another beautiful thing to explore.
How could all of this be? And why is he discussing meadows and dark glens? Was this an outdoor romp? No, we walked and walked the paths of a great park. She charmed me with her delight and knowledge of every growing thing we came across. We would peer around a corner, and you could almost hear her squeal from the new discovery, of a different part of the garden or a specimen, unlike others she had seen. This site, happens to be one of the "Seven Wonders of Illinois"! She had not previously been here, since she is from a different state. The original sculptures were like few other locations in the Western World. The symmetry (of the formal gardens) was as dynamic as the sculpted luscious body of a naked woman. An amazing day, with an amazing woman - who absolutely stretched me, beyond my limit - with her passion (and being considerate at the same time). I would like to believe, the memories of today, will last in each other's minds, perhaps, far longer, than another session at the motel - regardless of what new adventures might there be found.
And yes, there was no sex involved - other than the pure magnetism of her beauty, and vibrant personality. There was no touching - or at least little beyond casual brushing. We knew as we had that single open kiss in the car, as I dropped her off - that truly today, we had been intimate with each other, in a way few others will ever connect. Was this old fool stupid for booking the time to be used in this manner? I guess it is a matter of opinion. But, from my positive perspective, I now know this Lady intimately, like others might only hope to. She taught me some magnificent lessons, and I (think), I allowed her to have a wonderful afternoon. Isn't that about the same - as another type of session? Don't those of you with a burning passion in a specific area - delight, in the opportunity to share it with somebody?
Yep, I count this "date", as another unique success.
Ok, I'm hooked. It's probably only the British accent, huh? Will be on Showtime (per current posts) this Spring/Summer. Am told some of our "own" reviewed some prior episodes of this British TV 2007 Fall, 1st Season (to see if realistic, and whether it would "play" in the U.S.). The interview with them (panel) - apparently appears in the May/June 08 issue of Radar magazine. I guess I'm going to have to go to the news stand to pick up an issue - because that interview is not on-line.
Oh, yeah. What am I talking about? "Secret Diaries of a Call Girl". I've watched the first season, 8 episodes - and gotten a few others addicted, already (and it's been less than 12 hours!). lol. Actually, am told this is based upon the "book" Belle's Diaries (Belle de jour).
Whew, pretty realistic in spots. Seemingly, quite frank. Just wonder sometimes - if a few of those "professional approaches" highlighted in the episodes; are games played on me? Or, yet to be played on me? I almost tried to prohibit one individual from watching - because I didn't want to have even more played on me! But, then I said, this person could probably write the sequel, anyway.
There is one "preparation technique", that when shown (I am not going to mention it here) - practically caused me to wake the SO, due to breaking out laughing so hard! (but, has that been done to me?, lol).